The Olympic Games are once again upon us, falling smack dab as they do in the middle of a CFL season.
If we did away with nation status and were able to enter an All-CFL Olympic team, which players would we lose to the Paris Games?
Here’s a list of some Olympic events and who would go, in my opinion, and why.
Higher. Faster. Stronger. And in some cases – due to nothing more than my distractible brain’s whimsy – weirder.
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Beach Volleyball: Winnipeg’s Willie Jefferson is my pick. And I merely have him stand at the net, hands up, blocking every single thing that comes his way. I pair him with his Blue Bomber teammate, defensive back Evan Holm, whose speed would mean he could get to anything that somehow gets past Jefferson. Which will be nothing. But we need someone to serve, so there’s that. They win every game by a score of 21-0.
Rowing: Any Argonaut.
Wrestling: Saskatchewan’s AJ Ouellette is the natural choice for this one. Maybe he’s been a little inactive when it comes to the grapplin’ since signing with the Roughriders but during his time in Toronto he devoted lots of off-season time to the discipline. You can use folding chairs on guys in the Olympics, yes?
Artistic Swimming: Gimme the Philpots, Montreal’s Tyson and Calgary’s Jalen. Their artfully athletic abilities ought to shine in this event and in what used to be called synchronized swimming, the incredible psychic bonds that twins are purported to share would come in very handy. Let’s send Saskatchewan’s Herdman-Reed brothers, Jordan and Justin, as well as the Fords – Edmonton’s Tre and Winnipeg’s Tyrell while we’re at it. Own the podium!
Skateboarding: Argo quarterback Cameron Dukes gets the call. He just, I dunno, looks the part to me. And I’m banking on his quick feet being a trait that would translate to the event very very well. Cowabunga, Dukes.
Hammer Throw: Any Ticat, for obvious reasons. Or, I suppose, AJ Ouellette. Also for obvious reasons.
Archery: Montreal quarterback Cody Fajardo leads all starting quarterbacks in accuracy with a 77.5 per cent mark and he’s also tops in efficiency (113.3). Need bullseyes? Fajardo’s your guy. Barbecue sauce.
Triple Jump: Easy. Easy, easy, easy. Hamilton’s Tim White actually got close to qualifying for the Tokyo Olympics when he finished fifth at the U.S. Trials in 2021, jumping 16.59 metres. Missed a spot by just 42 centimetres.
Football: Alright! Football’s in the Olympics now? Excellent. How big’s the field? Three or four downs? Wait, what? Oh.
Soccer (or football if you must): Naturally, I’m loading this team with kickers and punters. BC’s Sean Whyte and Calgary’s Rene Paredes have the deadly accuracy to make them our strikers. Edmonton’s Boris Bede, Hamilton’s Nik Constantinou and Toronto’s John Haggerty unload bombs from the backfield. In goal? Saskatchewan defensive back Rolan Milligan because, this season, NOTHING GETS BY HIM.
Taekwondo: Edmonton punter Jake Julien has a pow-pow-powerful leg, and the flexibility to get that foot of his up and flying at his opponent’s head and torso, where all the Taekwondo scoring is done. Oh my God, Becky, look at that Spinning Hook Kick.
Sailing: Any Argonaut.
Surfing: Luring Charleston Hughes out of retirement. If he won’t play, I figure any Ottawa REDBLACK will do because surfing can’t be any more difficult than birling, I reckon. SIDENOTE: Birling should absolutely be an Olympic sport. EDITORIAL SIDENOTE ADD: Now that you’ve looked up birling, we know you have this stuck in your head.
Hurdles: Nik Lewis. Sure, he may have retired as a player but he is a member of the Calgary Stampeders coaching staff and so he’s in.
Gymnastics: Hamilton’s Luther Hakunavanhu. After his sensational touchdown celebration during last Saturday’s game against Toronto – a perfect round-off into a stick-the-landing flip – how could it possibly be anyone else for the floor routine?
Diving: A little torn here. My memory of Rasheed Bailey laying out as he reached for the end zone (back in 2022), has me thinking about that perfect diving form of his. But then Ottawa defensive back Deandre Lamont showed us poetry in motion as he stretched out for an interception in a Week 7 game against Edmonton. Recency bias clicks in. He gets the nod.
Canoe Slalom: Any Argonaut.
Sport Climbing: Elks’ receiver Geno Lewis is the guy. Ever see the ‘Bouldering’ event in Sport Climbing? It takes amazing hand strength, as a participant is often dangling as they make their way up the course. The way Lewis plucks footballs out of the air – even when they are missile shots right at him – shows he fits the bill for this one.
Basketball 3×3: Edmonton quarterback Tre Ford is on the squad, provided the artistic swimming schedule doesn’t conflict. Want a guy who can break opponents’ ankles with his moves? That’s Ford. Toronto receiver Dejon Brissett gets the nod, too, in part because of his athletic hops but also because he has no doubt participated in some epic one-on-one battles with his brother, Oshae, who just won an NBA championship with the Boston Celtics. Thirdly, Elks’ offensive lineman, six-foot-seven, 323 pound David Foucault sets his feet and flattens charging opponents. I’ve been told, however, that it would be insanity to not have Geno Lewis in this event so might have to adjust. Tre, how are your Sport Climbing abilities?
Equestrian: Any Stampeder.
Dressage: The only exception I make to the Stampeder rule, above. I want Saskatchewan’s Jermarcus Hardrick for this. In my mind’s eye I have the delightful image of his six-foot-five, 317-pound frame atop a prancing horse, all smiles as he competes. Hardrick, that is, not the horse. Because I think Yoshi would enjoy it.
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RT for @Rizzy_Renzel https://t.co/1S19w3nq6L pic.twitter.com/PlwTrF0W3u— Ottawa REDBLACKS (@REDBLACKS) July 24, 2024
Breaking: If it’s a dance competition of Olympic proportions then we’ll go with Ottawa SAM linebacker Adarius Pickett, who seems to always be moving. In fact, the team posted another video of him getting a groove on during one of this week’s practices. But hang on. Teammate Dominique Rhymes was in on it too so we may have a dance-off to decide the spot.
Fencing: Ever try it? After just a minute or so, your thighs are BURNING. So we go with the guy who’s got that lower body strength and can keep his getaway sticks churning even as he moves entire scrums all on his own and that’s Winnipeg running back Brady Oliveira. He has the legs. We can teach him the rest.
Canoe Sprint: Any Argonaut.
Javelin: BC quarterback Vernon Adams Jr. has had a high old time launching long bombs downfield to his talented receivers all season long. Fire away, Vernon, nobody even has to catch the thing. They shouldn’t even try, actually.
3,000 Metre Steeplechase: Toronto’s Janarion Grant. Who’s better at taking on obstacles during long runs?
Balance Beam: The sweet feet and agility of Stampeder running back Dedrick Mills are just the ticket. Guy could walk a fishing line.
High Jump: BC Lions’ receiver Justin McInnis is having an absolutely extraordinary season, making catch after catch and putting his elevation skills on full and devastating display. We’ll also enter him in the pole vault and he’ll win that as well even though he’ll decline the use of a pole.
20K Race Walk: I find this event to be very amusing. What would make it even more amusing? Seeing an absolute blazer put the governor on and walk as quickly as possible for 20 kilometres. You up for this Lucky Whitehead? Marc-Antoine Dequoy? Kalil Pimpleton? In fact, with the competition not being held until next Thursday, we’ve got time to pull all CFL speedsters together for trials this weekend. That would be glorious.
Table Tennis: Any Argonaut. Because, you know, paddles.